Tale as Old as Time
by BleachedMerc
Summary: Witness the timeless classic of Beauty and the Beast as retold in a Kingdom Hearts setting.


Sora is a hero—the champion of light. This is an undisputed fact. He has saved all the worlds from the darkness numerous times. He's strong, he's handsome, and he's always there for you. He's like Hercules except not quite as Greek or commercialized.

In sum, if you haven't been living under a rock and are still breathing, then you know who Sora is and you'll know his story. But what you didn't know is that behind every great man/kid/prince, is an even greater something-something. This isn't that story, though. If you want to read about Roo, see: The Fellowship of the Pooh. This story here is one of forbidden romance, swashbuckling daring do, and damsels-in-distress. This is the story of a Beauty and a tinier-than-average-Beast.

It all began on a ship where a bunch of bilge rats festered together and infected everyone with the Black Death. When the ship made port all across Europe, the rats infected millions and almost single-handedly wiped out the human race. But luckily, the Venetians were smart and killed the germs with vinegar.

Rats were subsequently hunted to near extinction due to the fact that they were disease-ridden rodents with no clear purpose in the grand scheme of things other than the food chain which hasn't yet been invented. Being a mouse, Jaq was forced to flee to Venice where he met an exotic dancer by the name of Bambi (not THAT Bambi; he's dead). Jaq and Bambi became lost in the throes of passion and eloped. But their involvement was prematurely ended when a sudden vinegar shortage made Venice vulnerable to the plague.

Now a wanted terrorist, Jaq was forced to bid farewell to Bambi and flee to France by boat. But the global economic downturn resulted in serious cutbacks in the shipping industry. The ship's captain dropped anchor in the middle of the sea and made an under-the-table deal with a group of pirates, selling his cargo and jumping ship to the nearest iceberg. The captain sunk and died when the iceberg breached his compartments.

The pirates, now in control of the ship, sold all the cargo and personnel on eBay. They made a total of 3.9 Billion Dollars, but because USD currency doesn't exist yet, in reality, they walked away from the transaction more impoverished than Oliver Twist. But that's a story for a different time.

While sitting on the eBay auction shelf, Jaq met a pot who spoke to him.

"I am speaking to you," said Mrs. Potts.

"The pot is speaking to me!" Jaq exclaimed.

The pot told him about a magical place hidden in the French forest—an Enchanted Castle filled with wonder and ruin. This intrigued Jaq, so he scurried off the shelf and made for the castle once the pot was auctioned off to some restaurant in the Caribbean.

When Jaq arrived at the castle, he saw bestiality in progress. So he called the local parishioner, Fox News, and the local tabloids. The media circus was in full swing not too long after that. Some clowns came to take away the Beast and a guy breathing fire accidentally lit the bearded woman's beard on fire causing most of the forest to burn down. Land developers promptly bought the land, tore down the castle, and built a new mega mall with ten big-name department stores.

In all the chaos, Belle was lost and confused. Jaq found and consoled her. He took her out to the finest French restaurant in town—McDonald's—and then they went to see a movie—something called Kingdom Hearts Redux or something. It was a magical evening.

Wedding bells tolled soon after that. During their honeymoon to Honolulu, Belle was undressing while Jaq was burrowing into the bed. When she came out of the bathroom and slyly plucked up the bed sheets, Ashton Kutcher jumped out and screamed: "You've just been Punk'd!" in her face. Belle died of embarrassment and Jaq was just a puppet being manipulated by Ashton. The real Jaq had died from a rat-poisoned burrito fed to him by Bambi in Venice, who was really an INTERPOL agent, in Venice. His body was sold to science after that, but was sold by the pirates before it could reach the lab and eBay sold it to Ashton who turned it into a puppet.

To finance the show, Ashton promised to pay Roo a Pooh stick if he offered up 3 million dollars to kick off the pilot. Since USD doesn't exist yet, Roo was happy to oblige. Roo returned the Pooh stick back to the Fellowship of the Pooh and Ashton was arrested for fraud, murder, and extortion.

The end.


End file.
